And to say it like it is… Although I almost always choose to curse silently.

It comes across as an excuse for bad behaviour, only because I am shamelessly turning it on its head. But I do feel that I need one – an excuse; a reason, justification; whatever – for the way I am disabling my life with ego and self-love.

Why I lose control I do not know.

My inner demons will unleash themselves, throwing me into the black hole which my own hands have dug.

I’d rather care too much and risk the byproduct of bitchy than settle for an attitude that resembles blasé – that’s why, instead of banishing concerns and annoyances to the section of my brain where memories are inevitably lost and eventually forgotten, I like to revisit my multiplying demons… If anything, to reaffirm that I’m the ‘good guy’.

I deserve to be shot, just so I can rid myself of arrogance and self-righteousness. Thankfully, at least two of my resolutions will be less painful alternatives to my becoming a changed person by the end of 2009.

… To make a world.

I am an overwhelming ‘C’ – conscientious to a certain extent, but critical to a fault. And because of my natural reflex to leave no stone unturned, the glass is always half-empty.

It was far less excruciating than expected. I asked questions; I did not give monosyllabic answers; I continued conversation – all surpassing my usual amount of friendliness. She is genuine, not to mention completely oozing with CHIJ-ness. All plus points; nothing to worry about.

Then again, considering my habit of seeing the worst in every situation… ENOUGH LYING, CHEESEBALL!

As Vanessa, in her infinite portmanteau wisdom, says, “just chillax“. I’m going to heed her advice and not depart on my usual crazed spree of hurling insults at every antagonistic person… Even though, in my crippling arrogance, I know I’m right.

Instead, consider these pieces of advice that I, as a lao jiao, dispense:

• You are never too young to brave criticism.
• Not every critique is an attack.
• Older sisters (and mothers) are the most judgmental, so do not piss them off.
• “The more people tear us apart, the harder we will try to stay together” – get over it!
• No relationship excludes family.
• Everything is not without its consequences.
• Why the fuck would you do stupid things that jeopardise the crucial point system?

Teenagers – they numb my cynicism and aggravate my nausea.

You remind me of Elisabeth Hasselbeck – shrill, annoying, unfunny, insipid, biased. But, like her, at least there is the occasional window of discernment.

And we thought the worst was behind us.

One is a big question mark; the other is an absolute cliché.

In the last month, I have had to reorientate myself to meet the metamorphic milieu. I am not the same person I was three years ago, but I keep forgetting that those around me are susceptible to change as well.

And recently, I am almost incapable of accepting any sort of transformation, especially when it isn’t for the better. Just what are you trying to prove? You have become predictable and outrightly intolerable – it’s heartbreaking.